An Inaccurate History of Tyria

And, like, some backstory about Agravaine Academy and how I became the Guardian...

And, about our holidays/festivals...

Alright, HERE WE GO!

Founding of Tyria

A decent some time ago, there was the clan of Rothenburgers, whose family crest had a crown, because they got ambitions.

But the Rothenburgers are Virtori believers and they believe virtue and vice are tangible forces in the universe, cuz they're old primitive people that live in huts.

Anyway, they're like, "We gotta go unite the Clans of Virtue and convert the goths in the marshland... And stop the orgy going on in the desert, cuz they're the Clans of Vice!"

Meanwhile, the people having fun (not the goths) are like, "We're the wut?" And the Clans of Virtue (CoV) go, "Join our clans and renounce your vicey ways!" And the horney people are like, "Sure, why not?" And CoV are like, "You also gotta start paying taxes." And the horney desert folks are like "What's a tax?" and CoV murders a lot of them.

Then CoV goes over to the Marshland and the clans are like, "man, this seems like a bad time, bros." And the goths are like "sup" and slay a lot of clan people via sick burns.

So, the CoV go interrupt Blackheart while they're singing Painted Black and are like, "Yo, these emos in the marshes are totally jackin' your style. You should use your swamp knowledge to teach them a lesson."

So, tribe clan Darkholm goes over and teaches the goths of the Marshlands a lesson via a Teen Titans Raven vs Teen Titans Go Raven showdown, but then they go back and say, "Hey, CoV, we gotta go form our own nation. You keep doing your thing."

So, CoV is like, "Alright kewl. We just needed a reason for why we were allied back in- oh, you're already gone."

Somewhere in there, Agravaine starts a secret magic skewl in the forest and writes his dissertation on hugging trees and eating shrooms. All the while, Fennec Academy is like "Magick never existed and here's all the reasons why. It's not like the developers are going to change that in around 2 years, 7 months, 3 hours, and 20 minutes. You're wasting your time." But Agravaine held on to his dream of having a magical school just as close as he held his mushrooms.

After the "Unionization of the Virtuous", Chief Rothenburger makes himself the King of the Clans of Virtue, which is now...erblermurTyria. Yeah, that works.

Agravaine is no longer secret, it's now a town, and the developer gods go, "Yeah, you guys know how we said magick is something to pretend doesn't exist? Yeah, LUL nope. Here's a stone that radiates sunlight, a coin that brings back people from the dead, and a map that makes stalking easy." And now Team Agravaine is all like, "Told ya magick was real." And Fennec is like, "Yeah, we liked magick from the beginning." And the ghost of Agravaine is all like "pft. Kay."

How Amicus got into Tyria

Sometime ago, Amicus came over to Guardian Melrose Artnox. But not like LORD Guardian, just the guardian, like Medivh, but sadder.

Amicus is like, "Arthos blew up, what you got?"

Melrose goes, "You're now my apprentice! We'll be singing Higitus Figitus from Sword and the Stone and hunting leeches."

Amicus is like, "nah, I'm good."

"We have alcohol." Melrose says.

"Well, I guess I can hang around," says Amicus.

Then Melrose hands Amicus Zareth and is like, "Here's a crow that will become a raven until you realize that tamed raven's can't carry letters, then he'll go back to being a crow."

"CawCaw" goes Zareth and he starts his happy crow dance.

"Also, here's a pile of books to teach you how to git gud." Says Melrose. "We also need to discuss your drinking problem?"

And Amicus is like, "What about it?"

And Melrose goes, "Rum is out, Merlot is in. Now go study in the wine cellar."

And that pretty much takes us to where Amicus becomes Lord Guardian.

How I Became Guardian

Basically, Amicus is 18 and Archibald is like 14, and Amicus is wandering around the countryside near the capital being moody. Then Archibald runs by and is like "I'm running away from home cuz I got father issues!"

Amicus is like "Alright, cool, you go broski."

But then Archi gets Kidnapped! And off in the middle distance Amicus goes, "Ah scoots... Well, I guess I'll go get drunk now."

But then King Edward comes out and says, "Whoever finds my lost son shall be rewarded with 10,000 gold coins." And the Lord Protector at the time goes, "Could we just exchange that for your son?" And King Ed goes, "Shut up, Eric's Mother's Father or you'll end up in the bad place up north."

Meanwhile, Amicus is like, "Well, jam my jelly, I happen to know a red haired freckled faced prince crown wearing motherQuacker. That's the kid that got napped!.. well, I better finish this drink."

So, Amicus went to his mentor, Melrose Artnox, and asked for help like the well minded apprentice- yeah, no. He went into some caves and started stabbing people. But he freed Prince Archi and the two went back to the capital.

Prince Archi is all like, "Gee, thanks for saving me. What can I do to repay this kindness?"

And Amicus is like, "Got any wine?"

King Ed is all like, "I'm pleased by your adept stabby stab skillz with a Z. You are now Lord Guardian!"

And Amicus goes, "Way wha?" But then he's bonked on the head by the royal scepter and Amicus is now Lord Guardian Amicus. Amicus is all like. "But king guy dude, I'm the Guardian's apprentice. I'm supposed to be head mastering an academy."

And the king goes "so bees it. You are now also the Lord Scholar!" And he bonks Amicus on the head again.

Amicus goes, "But dude, I'm 18! I don't even know how to do my taxes!"

And the King goes, "The only thing you need to know is that the common folk now pay to fund your academy, your stabby skillz, and your troubling alcohol addiction."

And Amicus goes, "Oh tight."

Then King Ed dies via cheap wine and Archi becomes King, move forward about 2 years, and here we are today. You know what, let's make it 4 years.

Nowadays, Archibald is going, "It's been 4 years and you keep saying my name wrong."

And Amicus is like, "I keep you alive, I'll call you what I want, now pass the wine."

And Zareth is still doing that happy crow dance... Oh, and we also got Carl that does a happy turtle dance.

Establishing Our Culture:

Then came the matter of culture. Amicus was drinking the special mushroom tea one night when Zareth flys by going, "Amicus, we have a problem. Our current culture only highlights a quarter of our population. Get to work on bringing more people into this nation."

And Amicus is like, "You're a talking crow. You should be smart enough to know that's the Lord Chancellor's job."

And Zareth is like, "Did I CawCawCaw-STUTTER!"

So, Amicus worked on some holidays to make the nation more inclusive.

Amicus was going, "Aaaaah yeah! Tyria is going to be poppin'! We're gonna have a holiday every month to help player moral and they're going to be totally unique and cool, because this is our world and we can do what we want-"

"LUL, nope." Says SBS. "Here's some official holidays. We now have Valentine's Day, but with chainmail lingerie. We have Queen's Gaze, which is when you'll be outside looking desperately for anything magical, you poor schmuck. We also have Renewal where you go out to a valley in the middle of nowhere and crap oatmeal for days. Lastly, there's the one that gives cartographers a reason to live."

And Amicus goes, "Well, butter my biscuit, what am I going to do with all this now?"

Then Archibold looks around the corner and says, "Maybe you should make them into festiv-"

"I got it!" Amicus says "I'll make them into festivals!"

And Carl and Zareth do a happy pet dance.

And that's about it. Thanks for reading.